i love both you and the german language way too much
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Donnerstag, Januar 29, 2004
well there you go. the world falls apart, i completely lose control of my life, i stop doing the things i really love and sulk and cry and try to make things happen, i stop doing ANYTHING and...(i cant even THINK of what i did for those weeks...i didnt knit much, i didnt sleep much, i didnt watch that much tv...its a mystery. i guess i talked online a fair amount. i really don't know), everyone rallies around me and holds me up and puts energy into preventing the end of the world, which seems imminent, i spend many tearful hours in mrs honeycutt's office, my room, my kitchen, the library, and my car, everything it's possible to do wrong, i do wrong, and what does it all come down to? two bs a b+ and an a for the quarter, as far as i can tell. i am such a tool.
speaking of which, getitng midterms back, while reassuring because it helped to mean that the world DIDNT, in fact, end, was just...meh. first of all, i have an almost visceral hatred of the b+, perhaps born of being a perfectionist in (part of) middle school, when it was the worst thing that could happen to me. MOre than that, though, I've come to hate getting grades/report cards. they've always felt a little anticlimactic, left me wondering what the purpose of the whole game was, again, but recently its been even worse. i just feel so...cheated, i guess. like, that i put all this effort and emotional strife and time and self-destructive-ness into school, and all i get out are these little rows of as filling up another year on my college transcript. i hate it. it makes me feel...cheap, i guess, self-loathing and shame and just badness. i dunno.
and i talked to reggie briefly about track and she says she's thinking of not doing outdoor, because of burnout and coach sidney...i wonder if i'll feel that way next year. i guess i could always take the winter season off, since i'm definitely not going to be captain...though that would affect my running for outdoor and set a less-than-good example for the younger girls. SO MUCH of what we do is for them, for setting a good example, for showing them how hardcore running is. I wonder if dowdle and ashley were as unhardcore as i am, in a lot of ways, and just kept up the intensity for us, like we're trying to do for the freshmen...i can't make myself believe it, somehow. I've decided that i should definitely go to practice for a week or so before i make any decision about the school thing...cuz, like, once you've been not running for a while it always feels like a good idea to keep it up, and then once i get back to track/cross country/running/the team i always realize anew why i love them more than life. i do miss track so painfully much, right now, but the way i feel now im pretty sure i'd be happier living with that missing than living with school and wondering if my dreams ever could have been realized. though, as meghan sigovich pointed out, i have/had dreams of being cross country captain, too...of running my last fciacs with my fellow seniors around me, of finally making state opens and having the best race of my life there, of breaking six in the mile with amanda, of of being indoor state champions like the boys (yeah, right)...i mean...its so hard. i know itd be unbelievably painful to keep coming and watching the girls and not running with them, and i know that's what i'd be doing (i could never stay away), but...the idea of not being in school is just intoxicating. The thought of being largely in control of my own life and education, of having the time for a few of the hundreds of thousands of things i've had to give up/pass up on ove the years, either because of school or for other reasons, of remembering hwat its like to READ again...it makes me wanna cry out of longing/joy/fear of hoping that something so wonderful could work lest my hopes be dashed. *sigh*
In other news, a lot of stuff really really sucks. I really want everyone to be happy and not suffering. i wnat to make everything better and there's really no way that i can.
in other other news, a lot of stuff is nifty, too...like my water bottles, and microwaves, and valentines nerds and stuffed animals and my skidmore sweatshirt.
and i think i am going to be missing the boys a lot very soon.
3:07 PM
jubilation! my Mink Car cd, which I had long thought lost in The Great CD Loss of 2001, has been returned to me! Turns out my good-for-nothing bruder had it all along. hooray!!
2:18 AM
Mittwoch, Januar 28, 2004
ach. I hate getting comments/evaluation of my work. but whatever *has totally not gotten over it but is pretending to have done so anyway* i _thought_ i did pretty well, and I got an a minus which is yayful. but ARGH i hate being told i'm messy, and i hate feeling like i didnt exactly follow the right protocol (which is largely why i was so stressed about this silly test in the first place; i couldn't figure out what the proper protocol WAS) and I just generally hate getting comments from teachers, good or bad, cuz i usually feel like responding to them and I can't...i usually write notes back to my teachers on papers i get back after they're graded, which is probably more than a little weird. but anyway, i did it, and i sent it in, and i read the comments email, and i didnt die of feeling weird. so yay!
and daddy is being more than a little annoying, but it's mostly not directed at me so i'll ignore it. and he's telling us that we're 'working our way out of next year's bonuses'... *sigh* i know he wants economic power over us because for whatever weird reason he cant take away allowances or whatever, and i guess he'd feel too mean if he took away cars or anything (and patrick doesnt have one) and he's certainly not refusing to pay for college...and because patrick is intending to be self-supporting now and stuff, So dad's really losing any ability to control us, starting with patrick and shortly after bono and i guess some day me, though he's putting up a terribly good fight, but I really hate the stupid bonuses. (please forgive me for that abomination that does not deserve to be called a sentence) We never asked him to randomly give us money, and honestly i'm trying not to change my behavior in any way just so i can get more money in the future...i dunno, i mean, free money = very nice to have, but he's doing the classicly annoying mrs kenney thing by giving me a gift, without any suggestion from me, and then constantly resenting me for it and threatening to not keep giving me the gift in the future, and i can't seem to impress on him that a don't care! if my actions or decisions agree with his idea of bonus-worthy behavior, then i will accept any bonus he chooses to give me with the utmost gratitude. If, however, he doesn't think my year is worthy of rewarding with a bonus, so be it! I'm not asking for the cursed money! I never claimed it as my right *which he keeps feeling the need to remind us it is not)! *sigh* silly daddy. I kind of feel bad for him, though, because I definitely see this as an attempt to get some kind of control or influence over us, when he has nearly none. All of us (well, at the very least patro and i) are much less ecomomically minded than he is, though, and i fear we're probably not going to give him ANYTHING. poor daddy. he would catch SO MANY more bees with honey, at least in my case.
oh, and this is the email from my tutor.
Hi Maggie,
I've finished grading your solutions to the first test. Your received an
"A-". Good work.
As always, my comments on your solutions are given below. Please read
them carefully.
----comments on test----
General.
You have a good grasp of the material, but your solutions are far too
messy. There are too many scratch/cross-outs and that makes your work
hard to follow. On the next test, solve each problem first on scrap
paper. Then rewrite the solution, cleaning up and/or reorganizing as
necessary.
Problem 6.
You're missing some absolute values. Do you see where, and why they're
needed?
Problem 7.
Here's the strategy to use: Find a value of t such that the corresponding
point Q on L has the property that the vector from P to Q is perpendicular
to L.
Problem 8.
Carefully, try solving that first pair of equations again.
Problem 9.
The y-component of the normal vector to the given plane should be -8.
Somewhere in your argument that "-8" turned into a "-3".
Problem 10.
The given point is (3,2,-1), not (3,2,1). No big deal....
When you computed the distance from P_1 to the point, you forgot about the
square-root in the denominator.
Problem 11.
You should think more about what's going on here. Consider the following
cases: x < -1, x = -1, -1 < x < 0, x = 0, 0 < x < 1, x = 1, 1 < x, and why
these are the natural cases to consider.
(Note that there ARE nonempty traces for -1 <= x, and when x = 1 the
trace is two lines, not one.)
Problem 12.
Part (ii): The third component should be phi, not cos(phi). (I think you
knew that.)
----end of comments----
5:48 PM
hello! la la la (said a la jerry's voice for his girlfriend's tummy in that seinfeld episode...).
3:17 PM
Dienstag, Januar 27, 2004
some bts of art and inspiration brought to you by childhood, first patrick's and the rest mine:
Patrick Ewing--Grade 2
Human beings think fast and are very smart. They help other human beings. They must have air to breath and food to eat. Human beings have to rest. Human beings make new human beings too! Human beings need love and shellter. They need to be clean and remove their waste. They need to defend themselves. They feel sad when other human beings die.
The Printer News (answer to The Weekly Misprint) in its three-issued glory:
the printr noos
megs piadate meg cam over this morning but wen we went too the ymca the barbels sagc the divingbord fel owt from undneth ov you
tric presins dad has a presint theat blosupeand olso wuntheat cumsto lif and bits
(The Printer News
Megs Playdate
Meg came over this morning, but when we went to the YMCA the barbels sank. The diving board fell out from underneath of you.
Trick Presents
Dad has a present that blows up and also one that comes to life and bites.)
the pritr noos
THE ICE CATING TRIP
IWUS PLAINGE WEN WE REXEVD UN INVUTASHINE THINGGING IT WUS A SAFE TRIP WE WENT BUTWEN WE GOT OF FOR HOTCHOCLIT OUR MOWTHES GOT BRND THE MARSHMELOSE WRPOSIN AND THE PRESUL NOCTOT MY TOOTH
THEIS MORNING BRIAN DIDE BRIANSLEPT LAT THIES MORING BUT HEE WUS REELY DED WE NOTIST BRIAN SLEPT LATE BUT WEN MOM WENT TO WACHIM HE (didn't?)
WACUP
THE PRINTER NEWSLETTER
BY MARGARET EWING
HI MY NAME IS MAGGIE AND I WOD LIKE YOU KNOW MY NOOS LETA PATRICKS TOO BABY ANIMLS REELY WONT YOU TOO KNOW THEAT THAE ARE NOT BABYS.
MUNCHUKINLRS TO HUVRBORD
MUNKN REELY WATID TO LRN TO HUVRBORDRD RITTHEN LARY SED IL TEECH YOU HOW MUNCHKINKNOWS HOW TOO HUVRBORD NOW AND HEE REELY LICSIT
and now, perhaps my favorite...it's from some kind of writing practive journal from preschool, but i prefer to think of it as a sort of poem. each line was its own page in the journal-thing. slashes are line divisions where they seem important
Maggie Ewing mom
Mommy daddy
momdad strawberry
Mommy Daddy Patrick Brian Maggie
Momma Dada
I love you, mommy
I like you mommy
I love you mommy
I like candy
I love to go swimming
I am a very good climber
I like candy I like apples
I like bananos
I love you mommy
I like icecream
Patrick Brian Maggie
Daddy Mommy Patrick Brian
fish blue sea
Christmas Tree / I like candy + I gaved a rattle to my baby cousin peter / Brian
Bryant's Friend Brad got me a picture
I like icecream / I like candy / tractor
playground tumble mouse
I love mommy
I love you mommy
puppy
I like playing
igloo triangle circle
I love you / love / I love mommy
I love Mommy Mommy fish
Daddy I love Daddy whale
Candy
11:43 PM
i kind of feel like crying, and i could use a hug/an awake physical presence...actually, what i could really use is a hug/physical presence into/onto which to cry. i used to cry into babar, but he's in the attic. maybe i'll go and get him down one of these days and see what happens. i wonder if he's all gross like things get from being in the attic. Yeah...I'm not actually feeling _that_ awful, but i've been hurting in various ways and to variying degrees all day and i want the emotional release. it also seems that ever since i talked to ferret (when was that? a few days ago...) about end of the tour, its been everywhere in people's profiles and running through my mind and things and its been putting me in a weird/sad mood. knitting party atop the laundry pile that is my room mit heather and her friend claudia was good. but loving people is ein bisschen hard. and so is missing people. please move within a few hours' ground-travel of me, at least, if you do not already live there. it's important. and too many people are hurting/unhappy right now, and im hurting for them. am i just more aware of unhappiness in others cause i've been having this strange year? i wonder...
and i wonder
when i sing along with you
if everything could ever feel this real forever
if anything could ever be this good again
and i guess thats the fear...that i'll never feel entirely real again, never find anything as good as what i had (have? maybe...) i dunno i'm not reallly thinking about these lyrics too much tonight but saying 'i wonder' brought them to my mind and besides i have a much less violent reaction to them than to end of the tour, so i thought i'd go with it. anyway. goodnight, world-that-is-already-asleep-and-will-not-read-this-until-tomorrow-at-the-earliest! I love you, that is to say, ich liebe euch. schlaf gut.
2:08 AM
Freitag, Januar 23, 2004
I think i have developed a people addiction, to the point where go crazy at the prospect of being alone. Of course, this may just be my procrastination mechanism's desperate attempt to keep me from my work by filling my head with philosophizing.
I've also noticed that I seem to have lost patience, at least temporarily, for dealing with certain people. It's mostly the situations in which I'm not sure of where I stand with someone. I just don't have the emotional energy to be self-conscious or constantly trying to figure things out in my assorted relationships...they are supposed to be comfortable, happiness-generating things, after all. This patience depletion is a decidedly bad thing, though. I don't want to upset or alienate any of these people...for the most part they're among those I love and value a very lot. I don't want to hurt them; I just don't want to talk to/see/deal with them.
3:18 AM
Montag, Januar 19, 2004
woah. strange and mebbling (not going to bother defining my word here...ask if you want to know) experience. I was just on cty's website, cuz i wanted a link to the list of math summer programs they had in imagine last year or at some point, and while i was there i, without thinking about what i was doing, clicked on the 'course catalogs now online' thing and it was really weird. kind of weirder because i hadnt thought of it until that second, how this was the first year in like forever that i havent been obsessing over which course(s) to take, whether and how to negotiate a double session, all that kind of stuff. it was sad, but mostly just weird and uncomfortable and...mebbling. but what freaked me out more is that i seem to have completely realized that cty is over for me...that i could go to their website while trying to plan out my summer programs, and not even think about the fact that i wouldnt be signing up for theirs. like, it should feel more unnatuaral than it does. i dunno. i'm really thrown by this, and i'm not sure why. also, looking back at the mini-conversation mit alyssa that i posted a few days ago, i only really realized after i posted it (though i'd thought about it in my more immediate post-cty sadness) that she will be going back there, to the summer and the music and the thereness...that my whole little schnader base posse will be going back, without me, that most of my beloved hallmates from 03.1 wil be going back...it's weird. this thought freaks me out in that it feels _more_ unnatural than it should...I am very confused, a little bit mebbled (though in a non-good way, which I didn't realize was possible), and entirely unfit to do work. *shivers* this is weird. I don't like it.
2:34 PM
Sonntag, Januar 18, 2004
camp jewell = so much fun. reallyreally. silly, concentrated, return-to-childhood, forget-about-the-rest-of-my-life kind of fun. painted a 'flute' and then (little shop of plaster-style, for those of you to whom that means anything) a creepy daytime moon and a happy surreal sun to go with my strange, nighttime drag queen sun from two years ago and made a candle only to watch it be transformed into a mushroom...played ice golf (37(?) strokes for 5 holes, I think), apples to apples, and quiddler...taught kelley how to knit and rebecca how to purl and finished erin's scarf...drank apple cinnamon, green, and raspberry teas...snow tubed, sing-alonged (i know it sounds like it ought to be 'sang along', but that's not what I mean so psssssht), did a wee bit of chem, watched the fellowship of the ring, developed my mad archery and beebee gun skills, and SQUIRMED AROUND ON THE ICE.
...and that's why I didn't go to counties. It sounded like a lot of fun, though, if not as much fun as ice-wriggling...next year I think we'll be able to do red and white AND go to camp jewell, but if not i'd definitely have to pass on the dance again.
9:17 PM
Freitag, Januar 16, 2004
fuck you. Your telling me that my 'fighting' (which I'm barely even doing anymore...) with dad is bothering you/interfering with your life is SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I can't even believe it. Maybe I'm being unreasonable in my dealings with him, maybe I overreact to things and you can see his problem with me more clearly than you can see my problem with him. Fine. But I'm a fucking teenager, and for two (three, five, however many it takes) weeks of my life I think I'm entitled to fight with my parents. Does it annoy you? does the sound of yelling disrupt your home? WHAT DOES THAT FEEL LIKE BRIAN????? I WOULDN'T KNOW, CUZ HAVE NO FUCKING EXPERIENCE WITH IT DO I??????? AAAAAAAAH i am so angry at you. when I'm having screaming fights all night so that you turn your tv and radio up to try to drown out the sound and lie in bed and cry and pray and try to sleep, maybe then you can complain to me. when dad and i get in physical fights and leave little blood spatters on the floor, maybe then I'll listen. When you climb upstairs to check on/try to stop (like you would have any way of doing that) a fight that you've been hiding from and I'm sitting on dad's chest and he's saying that he can't breathe and trying to get mom to call the police before I kill him, when the fear of a fight starting makes you try to do whatever will make me least angry, makes you avoid the house and try to make no noise while you're in it (you say it's unreasonable to make you leave the room to avoid hearing arguments? ha.), maybe then we can have some kind of discussion about this. but until then, shut the fuck up. you goddamn cock-sucking motherfucking (cash register, you) owe me.
3:44 PM
Donnerstag, Januar 15, 2004
CulebraOnna: I wanna go back to CTY
CulebraOnna: summer with grass and music playing
CulebraOnna: and everyone just *there*
...word.
10:06 PM
Montag, Januar 12, 2004
spent lots of time earlier talking to bono about the way our family was/is/has been, then talked to my parents about the whole unschooling thing, which conversation reflects so much about the family dynamics we've been pondering (ahhh, my unconventional family: the only thing I enjoy discussing more than my unconventional self...my mom suggested that maybe i'm not happy in school cuz i'm depressed or similar, and its not just situation, and my reaction was that if they wanna pay for me to go to a therapist, i'm sure i'd enjoy it immensely...introspection r me, and i've never claimed to be an entirely non-fucked up chica...). yeah. i agreed that i would stop these negotiations altogether if i didnt get some reasonable amount of work done in order to finish the semester in as good 'standing' as possible, which i don't necessarily think was an agreement i owed them...it may have been a stupid thing to do, but I just got so sick of being told how important it was to do my work and everything...like, they couldnt even make themselves talk about anything else without constant references to my current homework. *sigh* and now i really need someone to sit up with me and watch/help me do my work, but I feel like i've alienated mommy too much to ask her to do that like she did for brian...and like if she does that dad'll know it's being done and he'll just HAVE to come in and tell me how happy he is and how important it is and then i'll be rendered useless for like another four hours. not what I need. but I could definitely use some help. and I still need a couple more people to talk to and some more time to think about what I'd be giving up in terms of running and what i'm hoping to gain and stuff. and i need this all to have a farther-away deadline.
oh, and something to think about: daddy said that if i just graduated from high school with as and bs he would support me for a year of freeloading to do whatever i bloody-well wanted. this is an appealing option. i wonder if i could talk mrs honeycutt into letting me drop out of chem and spanish without getting a withdraw/fail...then I could take *calculates it* nope. can't be done. i would've had to plan it at the beginning of this year at the latest (a la lexi). anyway...if i could keep this up for another year i'd get truer freedom when i'd be done...the only problems are that I'd be another year tireder and crazier by then, i'd have to spend another year of my life being pretty unhappy, and that by then i'd be much readier to go to college. i honestly think this is a very good education method for a particular time of life, and that in a year or two when i'm out of staples i'm going to be much less into living with my parents and similar such things. yeah. i dunno.
11:54 PM
been thinking about the not-quite-complete model of me again...silly how I have 'models' of myself, isn't it? but anyway. the theory is that I'm not just conviction-less, weak, or easily confused, but rather am about 65% of a thouroughly strong, self-aware, stand-up-for-herself kind of capable person. the problem, of course, is that there's not quite enough of me, so I have to use bits of others to fill in the gaps. I guess in this bizarre metaphor or whatever it is a truly healthy/normal (like the song in bye bye birdie...?) person loves by sharing certain parts/aspects of itself with someone else, and by taking the self-bits that person shares and...holding on to them, i guess...treasuring/guarding them and keeping them close. but the maggie-type person, upon recieving shared bits of other-person material, internalzes them, like she tries to just hold them close to her but the vacuum (will never learn to spell this word) left by the missing parts of her just pulls the outsider in, so the other becomes a part of her, and she can't remember which parts were hers to begin with and which are foreign, and then, because the shared bits of people are presumably still connected to the rest of the person (else we'd all be missing pieces of ourselves, wouldn't we...maybe that's the problem? have i given more of myself away for keeps than i ought to have? i don't think so. *ponders a moment* can't think of a situation i'd see modeled that way though i guess i really wouldn't know...anyway. where was i? time to get out of parentheses) it becomes like a continuous double-person, or multiple-person, eventually, where she can see way far at one end is ME and way far at the other end is OTHER, but there's a whole lot of in-betweenness that she absolutely cannot figure out.
the downside of this arrangement is obvious, i guess...other people manipulate the 65%-er without meaning to or noticing, or even having the 65%-er notice, the composite-person gets confused by all the ridiculously varied makeup of what she thinks of as her 'self', fighting with people hurts more when all conflicts become internal ones, people who pull away aren't just taking a much-treasured teddy bear or something, but a piece of the not-quite-complete person's being.
I guess the upside is facilitated empathy, as that's basically what i live my life for (obviously? is it what everyone lives for? I've always considered empathy and love two ways of looking at the same phenomenon, and I think a lot of people would agree that love is the best acheivement of a particular human life)...i sometimes feel like i tend to empathize more than the general public, though thats a strange thing to say and i dont really know how much the general public does empathize, but it's certainly a concept consistent with my whole maggie-model of the day; taking people inside of your self would certainly make it so that their emotions were your emotions.
oh wait. i just thought of a bizarre feature of myself that doesnt seem consistent with the model--the excessive personification/empathy thing, aka feeling the sadness of the silverware. that involves pouring yourself out into things that can't hold you, not a tendency to take outside matter in (unless the spoons really are sad when i don't pick them and no one else is picking up on it :-p )...maybe im just crazy? yeah, i think that's it. I also think i should have stopped talking long ago. who knows? maybe everyone feels this way an i just describe it differently. *shrug*
1:42 AM
Sonntag, Januar 11, 2004
*sigh of minor but sharp pain* randomly checking away messages of people i havent talked to in years and i come across american pie in someone's profile...ithink iw as at skidmore with her in 2000...it just hit me, though, you know? like i no longer have any connection to this girl, and yet i kind of do, through that song...and our totally divergent cty experiences are somehow brought back together. and she matters to me and i know what she's feeling. and it's weird, and kind of painful, but kind of cool. I dunno.
12:56 AM
Donnerstag, Januar 08, 2004
feeling better this morning. I don't actually have anything to say, but I wanted to take the really unhappy entry off the top for some reason. anyway. ich liebe euch.
6:59 AM
Mittwoch, Januar 07, 2004
argh argh argh argh argh argh i feel fucking awful. what makes me feel worst is that i want to skip track and skating (again) today because the thought of going to school makes me so tired. I'm forced to do this thing that I hate and that doesnt bring me any joy or real knowledge for seven hours a day, and then I'm too tired and angry to do the things i love. and somehow daddy doesnt see a problem with that. oh well. going to try to move on, though I'm not sure how to, becasue dwelling on this is not helping, like, at all.
7:25 AM
Dienstag, Januar 06, 2004
my eating disorder (stronger language than absolutely necessary but whatever) wants me back. I'm considering giving it a try...bad idea, I know, but it seems so doable and clever to turn to it for a few weeks of discipline (the buzzword today as my father destroys my beautiful (and incredibly foolish i have been told to feel) vision of my life (I wish i hadnt brought it up. i wish i had allowed myself to forget about it. i wish i hadn't tried to be so daring and such a fucking stupid visionary. I wish my father were more like me. I wish I hadnt said some mean things to my mommy (and to daddy too but he doesnt seem to get hurt as badly). I wish I werent incredibly mean to mommy with every day i carry on like this. I wish i hadnt effectively invited my parents to try and help me, knowing as I do that I am perverse and hate to do what others tell me and hate to accept others' help)) and then let it go again. somehow i doubt it could work that way, but still...it feels so fucking appealing. and sorry to swear without any deutsch or the word monkey but i am sad. i put myself on the line for my parents and they (daddy really) shot me down. all i want in life is the ability to relax and read a fucking book. seriously that's all itll take to make me happy. there are other things that would make me more fulfilled, but i really just want a bed and a blanket and a book, and maybe the opportunity to run once in a while. I really htought about it and discovered something that was so profoundly right and wise and possible, i thought, and then i totally failed at making mr-world-view's-incompatible-with-mine see the reason of it. it hurts so much to htink of how excited i'd let myself become. what was i thinking? i feel like such a fucking tool. *sigh* i should really get a stronger ego, but i havent got one and i hate myself a little. sorry to be so bloody melodramatic...I'm sure i'll feel betterish in the morning, or whenever i've had some significant sleep.
11:22 PM
Samstag, Januar 03, 2004
reunion was wonderful. there were a very few peculiar or bad bits, but truly the whole thing made me so so happy. I've realized that i've been drifting on the edge of sleep for the past 22 hours at least, which is a very strange feeling, and that my hair is all icky from being so played-with *giggles*. Perhaps I'll reflect more on the past day-and-a-bit a little more tomorrow, but I have a feeling I won't. 'Tis a shame, as I think I have a few things to record, but I'm so profoundly tired right now I have no choice but to go to sleep. I'm kind of starting to tie tiredness up with that contented reuniony feeling, though, so I kind of dont mind the feeling. Its a kind of a funny association (And that's true too. It's funny and true.)
10:16 PM
Donnerstag, Januar 01, 2004
I love running because I never lose track of myself (heheh no pun intended *is a loser*) while I'm on a run. I'm sometimes confused and I sometimes think about the things other people want me or expect me to be, when I'm running, but for some reason I'm never confused about which of those things I am. There's really no explanation for why I run, and when I run I know I'm doing it for myself, because it's something that brings me joy...somehow doing something that takes so much effort and that most others don't understand helps me to see the distinction between myself and all the other people that I love, and I LOVE that. I don't generally get insight from running that I can bring outside of the moment and apply to my life, but for that hour-or-however-long every day I feel like myself, in a body and with a mind that I control and usually understand, unaffected by world that surrounds me.
I love running for a lot of other reasons--it's discipline; it's meditation; it's mental and physical strength and intensity; it's socialization; it's emotional release; it's competition; it's prayer--but that feeling of being complete in myself, and of seeing where I end and my non-me people start, is one of my favorite things, at least today. *runner's high sigh*
5:53 PM
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